Archive | May 2013

From the decks of hell #3: I’ve Never Been To Me

Previously spinning on the Decks of Hell: Lil’ Markie whines about abortion.

Today: Charlene, singing in the guise of an obnoxious upper-class trollop complaining about how all the champagne jetsetting, lovemaking on tropical beaches and encounters with multi-millionaires over lobster salad have left her so DESPERATELY UNFULFILLED that she simply has to boast about them to a downtrodden housewife and mother – ostensibly as a way of showing the aforementioned housewife how lucky she really is and how living on the breadline¬†with a man who probably drinks too much and beats her occasionally¬†really isn’t so bad…but in truth it’s all one massive boast. They say that you shouldn’t feed the troll, and if this were an internet rant I probably wouldn’t, but under the circumstances I think the only just punishment for this insufferable voyage into the mind of such a despicable woman is to sit her in a room listening to this record on a loop, and then batter her to death with a jewel-encrusted stiletto.

Brace yourselves. This one’s a doozy.

Hey lady, you, lady, cursin’ at your life
You’re a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I’ve no doubt you dream about the things you never do
But I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you

Ooh I’ve been to Georgia and California, oh, anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacherman and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me

Please lady, please, lady, don’t just walk away
‘Cause I have this need to tell you why I’m all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won’t you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies

Oh I’ve been to Nice and the isle of Greece
Where I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed ’em what I’ve got
I’ve been undressed by kings and I’ve seen some things
That a woman ain’t s’posed to see
I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me

Hey, you know what paradise is? It’s a lie
A fantasy we create about people and places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It’s that little baby you’re holding, and it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight. That’s truth, that’s love

Sometimes I’ve been to cryin’ for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life and never knew I’d be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free
Hey lady, I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me


My cat wakes me up at five in the morning, needles me when I’ve already fed her, jumps onto the desk and blocks my view, sheds hair all over the place and leaves headless pigeons by the back door. Any love she shows is only expressed when her next meal is due. Does that count?