This little piggy went to the Halal market

 

 

 

 

In the first instance, this.

Peppa

 

The Zayn Sheikh / Peppa Pig fiasco has been well-documented, so I don’t think we need to weigh in with anything new. Suffice to say it was a textbook exercise in testing the public’s ability (or inability) to comprehend satire, to the extent that Zayn had to actually go public and admit the video was a hoax – but not before the story had been swallowed hook, line and sinker by over half the internet and a few national newspapers who frankly ought to have known better. This image – which I’d bet came either from Britain First or the EDL – is doing the rounds all over social media, but it’s a hydra, because every time we shoot it down, three more seem to spring up again in its place.

“I’m finding this so depressing today,” said a friend of mine earlier when we were discussing the Facebook timeline where we found this, and the naive, ignorant lady who’d posted it. “She probably didn’t create that meme. Someone who knew exactly what they were doing did. But she spread the lie to hundreds of people who got angry and will have spread it more. Meanwhile she’s free of any comeback. Indeed I doubt she will come back. She seems like a nice lady who loves her children and believes in Reiki healing. But she just added a little more pain to the world. I half subscribe to the theory that us storytellers used to be the moral compass of the tribe – that’s why even today the majority of films and TV dramas celebrate virtues society need to work better. But a place like Facebook is a forum for a new kind of storyteller from the dark timeline.”

“Moral compass is right,” I said. “Except that I don’t think FB is a forum for dark(est?) timeline storytellers. It’s just an extension of who we are, and I’ve said this before. It’s all that playground gossip and bitchiness – people showing off about their new trainers / video games / girlfriends / cars. The rumours and the backbiting. A lot of people say that Facebook has made the world a more selfish place, but I maintain it just gave us a chance to be the people we’d always wanted to be online – except the name-calling is now much worse, because now if you say horrible things about someone else they’re not going to drop your bag in a puddle or stick your head down the toilet.”

Also – ‘Muslims’, not ‘muslims’. And “tvs”, not “tv’s”. Bloody foreigner’s, coming over here, taking our apostrophe’s.

Not all tears are evil. But some are apparently pointless

Look, the thing is, after all the soul searching and pondering and stupid rhetoric, YOU STILL HAVEN’T REALLY ANSWERED THE QUESTION.

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him.

“I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

“God, why do women cry so easily?”

God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”

“You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart the
place where love resides.”

You now have two choices. Like this photo and move on with your life

OR

Share this photo on your wall as a tribute to all the women in your life..!!!!!

Crying

Honest Memes

Oh, you know the sort. The disabled children who prove the Victorian freak show is alive and well and has its own Twitter account (and Tumblr page). The irritating rants about capital punishment from people too chicken-shit scared to actually throw the switch, but who find it easy to leave poorly-constructed and badly-phrased comments from the comfort of an armchair during an X-Factor marathon. The ones who tell you that “no one posts pictures commemorating the Second World War”. EVERYONE POSTS PICTURES OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR.

Anyway, you’re supposed to fight fire with fire, and these days, that’s what I do. It’s far more fun to come up with a meme that’s about the silliness of some other memes than it is to just complain about it, so here’s a collection. By all means pass these on. Or don’t. I don’t mind either way, and I certainly wouldn’t want to make you feel guilty.

Broad sub-categorisations as follows:

1. The memes that are clearly in it for the hit count

social-media grumpy Chicken

 

2. The ones that completely miss the point

down-meme Crying

 

3. The pointless wallowing in false nostalgia

Bike-Field-Nature

4. Memes for the angry or indignant (or simply illiterate)

flood spellcheck dday

 

5. And finally.

batman

 

You see what I meme mean.

Look Up (the words ‘lousy argument’)

While I appreciate the sentiment, here are the issues I have with the Look Up video.

1. Small talk is occasionally a precursor for real conversation; however, it’s more often than not a silence filler, a vacuous and meaningless chat instigated to pass the time. Implying that all small talk is one and the same, and is both necessary and pleasant, is the silliest kind of false logic.

2. Some of my most honest and open relationships are conducted almost exclusively online, with people who I’ve either never met or haven’t seen in years. Physical distance needn’t be a barrier to knowing someone, provided you both agree to be frank. If you have 422 friends and don’t really ‘know’ any of them, then you clearly need to be more careful with your requests and acceptances.

3. If you’re bigging up your life on social media, that suggests self-esteem issues that Facebook didn’t cause. It’s no different to bragging to your mates in the pub. Facebook is a medium of expression, not a catalyst.

4. Crowded commuter trains where no one is talking to each other may make you depressed, but to many of us they’re a haven – the one quiet part of the day. Some people don’t want to talk to others because they’re naturally introverted. I am not, but when I am on a bus I do not want to speak to the random stranger sitting next to me and pretend that I care about who they are and what they do. I want to read my book. Oh, and avoiding eye contact on the Tube has nothing to do with Candy Crush; it’s a British thing. Deal with that.

5. I met my wife online, and I find the Sliding Doors notion that you’ll miss out on your one chance at true love and consign yourself to seventy years of bachelorhood because you were looking at Google Maps demeaning, patronising and insulting.

6. I _do_ spend too much time looking at my smartphone, and having a detox while it’s in for repair has done me the power of good. But I don’t need you to tell me that. It’s a vice, and some vices are hard to break. I am working on it.

7. So you built dens as a child and now the world’s gone to hell in a handcart because of Steve Jobs? Have you actually *been* in a park on a sunny Saturday afternoon? You can’t get near the swings. When I was a kid I built dens in the old house down the road, and then went home and played Magic Knight games on my Spectrum. These days we play hide and seek in the garden and then the boys go for a Minecraft session. I think your spectacles might be a little rose tinted.

That’s all. I am off to check my hit counts.

What more in the name of love?

Pride

I mean, I don’t get this. I don’t.

It doesn’t strike me as being about equality at all. The reason for gay pride – for any sort of pride – is as a natural response to repression: in other words, being told that you have nothing to be proud about. But I don’t know of any straight people – any at all – who’ve been targeted by the gay community and told that what they’re doing is unnatural, or disgusting, or morally wrong, or will land them in eternal damnation. Perhaps you’ve heard different, of course, but I think if this was happening, we’d know about it.

So this is either an argument founded on utterly false logic, or it’s a guarded way of saying that you’re proud of being straight because it’s the right way forward. In which case it’s homophobic. Either approach, as far as I can see, is wrong.